Dear Mom,

We’ve got a new tree.  Well, actually, it’s not as new anymore.  This is our third Christmas to put it up.  That’s because this is our third Christmas for you to not be here to decorate the big tree we always had.

Do you remember that big tree? That was my pride find when I went with the ladies from church on that First Monday trip to Canton.  The church hooked up a trailer and took us all on a bus to Canton for a day of Christmas shopping.  And Christmas shopping I did! 

I remember going into that store and seeing that big 12 foot tree with a “For Sale” sign on it.  It was marked down to $60 (which was still a lot for this single mother of a four year old) because the pre-lit lights didn’t work on all of the tree.  But in looking at it closely, those lights weren’t really pre-lit lights wired to the tree.  So I know I could just re-string it.  SOLD!

Three gals from church helped me carry that massive thing in it’s three huge parts, back to the church trailer.  And to be honest, I don’t even remember how we got it home.  I think one of the church guys just dropped me off with it using that trailer.

But that became our tree!  And each year since, I would take about an hour to put lights on it and then take them off again.  How long did it take me to realize that I could make a strand of lights fit just right on each section so that I could just keep them on the tree after Christmas was over?  Too many times before that dawned on me, but at least it did.   And remember the pretty ribbon I tied on the plug ends so that I could easily find them the next year?

You would plan a whole weekend to come over for decorating.  We would put on our favorite Christmas movies, Annie would lay out all of the ornaments, we would make hot chocolate, and then start the official Christmas decorating season!  It was so much fun seeing those little ornaments and talking about each one – where did it come from, what story it told, and how long we had had it by that year.  Giggles, singing to the songs in the movies, repeating the lines, and of course, fighting with the ladder to get to those particular ornaments and tree topper on the tippy-top of that gigantic tree!  But the additional hot chocolate and cookies after we were done made it even better!

We couldn’t afford much to go under that tree, but having that big one at such a great deal always made our small living room feel majestic.  It was our special find that we knew God had treated to us.  A term I’ve learned since is, “Godwink.”  And that’s what our tree was… a Godwink!

Fast forward through the years….   Annie got older and didn’t spend as much time decorating the tree because of other things going on with her schedule.  And the ornaments pulled out year after year became less and less.  At some point, we made a fun (but expensive) trip to Hobby Lobby and purchased gorgeous pink and white poinsettias, white birds, and ribbons to use for decorations.  

That make decorating so much easier since you were getting a bit older and it was getting harder for you to see.  And let’s face it, I was getting older, too. Pulling all of that down out of the attic each year was getting much more difficult on us both.  So floral, birds and ribbon made for an elegant tree…. Our beautiful Godwink tree.

I remember that last year that you decorated it.  Do you remember?  You couldn’t see where to put things.  You were struggling so much and were so afraid that you were doing a horrible job and that our tree wouldn’t have it’s same grandeur as all of the years before.  You laughed, but I could tell you were a bit sad, too.  

I kept telling you that you were doing a wonderful job.  And you were.  And when you were done, the tree stayed just as you put it.  Yes, poinsettias were uneven and clustered in parts where you could see and reach while large portions of the tree remained bare from any decor at all.  But that’s how our tree looked that year because that is how you decorated it with so much love and enthusiasm.

We didn’t have you to decorate the tree the following year.   You were still with us, but your dementia had stolen you away.  You knew who we were, but you didn’t realize that it was Christmas.

I did the tree that year.  It didn’t look near as precious.

And the year after that, we didn’t have you at all.  You left us in May, and while I thought I had had some time to prepare myself for all of the “firsts,” I was wrong.  

It came time to put up our Godwink tree.  And I couldn’t do it.  I could not bear the thought of another year of decorating it without you.  And this time, it would be completely without you.  You weren’t on the couch watching.  You weren’t at Aunt Barbara’s waiting for us to come visit later.  You. Weren’t. Here.

So for that first year, on one of our regular grocery runs to Sam’s, David and I finally gave in and bought a 7 foot, pre-lit (literally a wired, pre-lit) tree.  It could have white lights or colored lights which suited both of our preferences.

We brought that tree home.  But that wasn’t all that needed to be different that first year.  That tree, as much as we loved it and thought it to be perfect for us, was not a Godwink tree.  So it didn’t get the Godwink placement in the living room.  We had to find a new spot for it.  And since it was smaller, it went against a different wall.

Mom, you would love this tree.  It’s big enough without being too big.  And it’s full enough without looking too skimpy.  As you would say, “It’s neat but not gaudy.”  (I can hear your voice as I type that out…). 

We’ve had that new tree for three years now.  It’s a bit easier to put it up with each passing Christmas.  But there is still a reminder as I pass by the old Godwink spot.  And there is a reminder as I pass by the Godwink tree, still in its storage bag, to pull out some of the yearly decorations. 

But most of all, there is still a reminder of you.  You see, I’ve pulled out some of your most favorite ornaments and put them on the new tree.  And the most favorite go towards the top where all can see them the best.  And each year, in your honor, I hang a new snowman on it.  Although, I have to say that most of them now have cardinals included – either on their nose, their stick arm, or painted on a scene nearby.  

So, we have a new tree, Mom.  But even though we have changed the tree and changed the location, your location in my memory and in my heart are forever planted firmly in the same place.  And those precious memories, and the lasting touches of your love that you left with me, will never be rearranged or redecorated.

Merry Christmas, Mom.  I love you!

Jenny